


Different Ways to Hide Insecurities

by MoominJaye



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Bullying, Insecurities, M/M, Sorta sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-04-05 16:17:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4186518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoominJaye/pseuds/MoominJaye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has never been popular in school. He is more of a ghost, no friends, but no bullies either. </p><p>That is until the new kid comes... and everything changes.</p><p>But maybe he shouldn't be so quick to judge.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Something Changed

**Author's Note:**

> I told myself I wouldn't ship Phan...  
> I told myself I wouldn't write phanfics...
> 
> now look where we are...

Phil had never been a popular kid at school... ever really. He was way too quiet to speak up, and too awkward to think of things to say in uncomfortable situations. So he didn't. Because of this, however, he found himself living a very lonely life, never bullied but never befriended either, he was just a ghost, no one really noticed him at all. But something changed when the new kid arrived.

It still baffles Phil as to how someone can be so confident that they can go from being the new kid, the _nobody_ one day, to being one of the most popular kids in school the next. At first it didn't really matter to him, he seemed to not own the copy of 'List of Pupils in order of popularity' book (although he knew he wouldn't even star in it anyway) so he didn't know or care who was where in society's ladder. But then it happened. He didn't even know how, it was such a small event, but it changed his life as he knew it.

"Hey! What's your problem?" The new kid yelled from his slouched position behind his desk, feet up on the chair to the desk infront of him.

"Oh, I um, sorry." Phil bent down to pick up the pencil which he had knocked off the guy's desk.

"What an asshole." He muttered as he snatched the pencil from the other's slightly shaken hands.

Phil got out of there in seconds, rushing to sit at his seat to hopefully forget that whole situation... Unfortunately that wouldn't be happening.

The next day Phil was in early, and as it was raining his English teacher allowed him and some other students to wait in the classroom until lesson started. Phil just sat there and started doodling on a spare peice of paper. He always seemed to have the worst of luck with some things, so making sure he had at least three more pens or pencils was a necessity, he had to make sure he had something to write with. He became regretful of this however when more students seemed to flood into the classroom. The new boy was one of the last, but as he walked passed Phil's desk he brushed his hand across it, dragging all the pens, pencils and paper along with it.

Phil was dumbfounded. He looked open mouthed at the mess on the floor before looking up at the other's smug face (he spared a quick glance at the teacher at the front but she was too busy looking at some papers to notice). 

"Oops. Sorry." The new kid spat sarcastically before laughing and carrying on down to his desk, not caring to pick anything up.

Phil felt the whole class glaring at him, some even sniggering under their breaths as he sunk to the floor to quickly gather his things.

Later that day Phil found himself sitting in the corner of the library, on a beanbag, hid from most. That had had to have been the worst day of school he has ever had. At lunch he got tripped over and spilt his lunch all down himself, 'someone' had stuck a post-it saying "I give the best bjs for £5" on his back, he walked around for ages wondering why people were laughing at him (he swore this one guy tried to hit on him, but that may have been his imagination), until he got sent to the head teachers for an extremely awkward conversation. And that was only two examples. Why was this happening? He only accidentally knocked over a pencil!

He had done his research though, he wanted to see what he was dealing with. 

Dan Howell. Moved this week from Reading, already a well known bully. However from what he had heard, Dan hadn't been as harsh to anyone as he was him, and he had no clue why.

The bullying went on for weeks, with no indication of stopping. Phil learned to get used to it. Learned to see when something was coming. He could spot Dan coming so he would hide his pencils. He would only open his lunch when he was away from everyone. There were some things he couldn't control, like when he walked passed a group of people and they would all needlessly barge past him.

None of these assaults were physically painful, but Phil was now well known for the boy who couldn't stand up for himself, which just tempted more bullies to pick him as a target. But they were never as persistent as Dan, who seemed to dedicate most of his time to making Phil's life a misery. He didn't even know what he did to warrant it!

Phil actually felt more alone now then he did before: he had no one to stand up for him; no one to vent to; he just went staight home everyday and layed in bed. He didn't cry, he wouldn't feel the need, he just layed there and stared at the ceiling, thinking about how his life went wrong. But then he would realise that his life has never really been 'right'.

The weekend, Phil could get away from everything, play video games and not worry about school. His family life wasn't so shit, he had a happy, 'normal' family and for that he was greatful, it was probably the reason he was able to keep with it. 

"Phil! Come down sweety, we are going to visit nanna for her birthday!" Phil heard his mum shout from the bottom of the stairs. He jumped up from his desk, any reason to get away from homework was a good reason in his mind. 

Phil grabbed his jacket from behind his door and slipped on his shoes, another great thing about weekends, no need to wear uniform, he could wear all of the cute kitten t-shirts and black skinny jeans as he wants. He ran downstairs, almost tripping over his own feet on the way down (which wasn't an unusual thing for Phil, he was pretty clumsy) and ran out to the car where his dad and brother were waiting. 

"Sorry about this boys," His dad started "you know your mum gets thinking about how lonely your nanna gets in the home, I keep telling her how she has plenty of friends there but she can't help but worry either way."

"It's fine dad, really, I like visiting her." Phil reassured.

They drove up to the local elderly home, it is positioned in a very peacful area, plenty of greenary and not many roads, Phil often thought about how perfect this place is for a building like this. 

They all got inside and the woman behind the counter beamed with rare, natural happyness. 

"Hello, Mr and Mrs Lester, hello boys." The woman greets.

"Hello Jenny, we are here to visit mum on her birthday." Mrs Lester replied with mirrored glee.

"Oh, well lucky for you it is knitting club today, so most are in the community room anyway, just go on through." She gestured to the door on the end of the hallway. 

"Great, thanks, bye."

The aroma hit Phil's nostrols and he could only think about old people and twisted familiarity. 

"There she is." Mr. Lester pointed after scoping the room, but Phil hardly heard him over the fear in his chest.

Was his eyes playing tricks on him? Was he really seeing those cruel lips upturned to a friendly smile? Those evil hands delicately fixing an errored stitch? Was he really whitnessing Dan _freaking_ Howell being a volunteer at an old people's home?!


	2. A confusing Turn of events

So it seems it isn't just at school he has to hide. He can't seem to get away!

So after he saw his notorious bully help out a group of old people, after he recovered from the shock, he bolted from the room. He was sure his brother saw him leave but he didn't make a move to go after him so he guessed he would just tell his parents if they asked.

He stopped right outside the door. Panting up his lungs (he wasn't the most fittest person). He couldn't be seen, he didn't exactly know why, he just couldn't. Also he sorta panicked, not really thinking rationally. 

How was this going to work? He still had to say hello to his grandmother, but he had to avoid Dan too. He just ruined everything! Even when he didn't try!

He waited outside for ages, possibly around 15 minutes, trying to bring himself to go back inside but failing miserably. He wasn't scared per say, or maybe he was... just a little. But he just didn't know what to say. By this point his total awkwardness is established, and he never knew what to say in most situations. Would Dan try and argue with him? Hate him more? Bully him here? That seemed unlikely, he seemed so polite infront of that group of old people, they all seemed to treat him like their own grandson, so he wouldn't yell infront of them, right? He seemed like a different person, had he really seen Dan in there? Maybe it was his imagination, maybe all this stuff at school had been getting to him more then he was willing to admit... He had been thinking about Dan way too much and that thought was worrying in itself. He had tried his hardest to be stronger, but maybe he couldn't.

He finally found the courage to walk back in, but maybe that was a mistake, because as he looked around the room, he could no longed see Dan. Had he really imagined him? It looked real...

"Philip, oh hello sweety! We all wondered where you had gone off to!" He heard his nanna's frail voice from beside him as he turned to see the even frailer woman standing there. 

"Hi Nanna, sorry, I... had to use the men's room, but got lost." He lied.

"That's fine deary, we gotta do what we gotta do." She laughed and walked back to her chair, leading the way.

He cautiously followed, double, triple checking the room for the brunette, to no avail. He began to feel stupid, really stupid. He didn't want to let him get to him, but is seemed he had, and now he was frightened to leave the house... well, he guessed this is what...this was. 

It was a while before anything else came of the topic, Phil learned to forget what had happened and focus on being with his family. That was until he zoned out, started listening in to other conversations.

"Oh, Fiddlesticks! Where is that boy when you need him, eh?" Came a ladies voice.

"Have you dropped another stitch Pam? Oh, you can't seem to get the hang of it can you? Young Daniel can't sit here with you all the time, the poor boy has other things on his mind." Came another. 

This pirked Phil's attention. Daniel? Did he heard that right?

"Excuse me?" The next thing he knew he was walking up to the elderly duo, much to his discomfort. "Do you need any help with that?" 

"Oh, you're Jan's young grandson aren't you?" Pam spoke up. 

"Yes." He spoke, smiling politely.

"Can you knit?" Not-Pam asked, lowering her needles to her lap.

"Yes, my nanna taught me a while back, I heard you were having trouble?" 

"Indeed! I keep dropping stitched left, right and everywhere, I can't get the hang of it, but Daniel has left, he normally helps me." Pam informed to much dismay. So he wasn't hearing things!

"Is this Daniel Howell, by any chance?" He said as he sat I front of the two, taking the scruffy patch of wool out of Pam's dainty hands, beginning to undo a few stiches.

"Yes, do you know him?"

"Oh, you do look around the same age, you must be in the same year, such a lovely boy he is, are you friends?" Not-Pam flailed her knitting around in excitement.

"N-not really, I haven't ever really spoke to him." Half lies weren't that bad right? He didn't want to crush these ladies views on him, not that he knew why, he had made his life a misery.

"Oh, you should, I think you'd get along, he is so kind to us oldies, isn't that right Aggie?" 

"Yes, he talks a lot though, he would talk your ears off if you gave him the chance." Not-Pam (Or Aggie) howled with laughter. 

"Oh yes, he loves talking about this one boy in his class, he dotes on him, we think he has a little crush but he wouldn't admit to that in a million years" Pam chuckled. 

"Oh, what's his name?" Phil didn't know why he was so curious, dirt maybe? He couldn't kick the ping of jealousy in his gut however. If Dan had this much of a heart, why did he treat Phil like garbage? It didn't make sence.

"Philip." Aggie whispered as if it was a dirty secret, but Phil felt his heart stop for at least a minute... ok maybe not but it might as well have done.

There wasn't another Philip in the year, in the school for that matter! They couldn't be right.

"O-oh? What does he say about him?"

"You can't tell him if you know him, this is completely secret." Aggie held a finger up to her lips, still speaking in a loud whisper. Phil nods a promise, obviously he wouldn't tell him, they would be doing that.

"Well, he loves his eyes, he is always saying how one could 'swim in those eyes', very romantic wouldn't you say? Apparently he is really shy, and by the first time he heard him answer his name in the register he knew he was, the way he, and I quote; 'Seemed to have to rehearse the word 'here' in his head, and it was adorable.' He constantly tells us what the poor boy did that day, but is too shy to talk to the boy bless him." Pam explained in detail. 

Wow... 

What...  
the...  
actual...  
FUCK?!


	3. Worrying Train of Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like to be safe so there is something that may or may not be classed as a homophobic comment (not really that much as he just calls people gay) but it isn't actually... real? You'll understand if you read it... lol

Phil didn't know if the high pitched ringing in his brain was due to his alarm or due to the crippling anxiety in his body which was screaming for him to just skip school, turn around and never turn back. You see, today was a Monday, but unlike normal, horrible mondays, today was worse, as it was the first day he would be forced to look Dan Howell in the eye knowing what he knew.

He didn't know how to take it at first. He quickly helped the two older women, they were non-stop going on about Dan and, well, _him._  

To his luck his parents told him they had to leave now and he rushed out of there not able to focus on anything until he got into his room, where he left his forgotten homework, grabbed his duvet and cocooned himself in that until he was called for dinner, where even his parents noticed something was up, but could also sence he didn't want to talk about it at the moment so left him be. 

That asshole stuck in his brain the whole weekend. The thought of him smiling seemed so alien therefore intriguing. The thought of him thinking about him, the thought of him sighing with content while spilling his heart out to a bunch of old people... _about him!_ The thought of him being kind, having a heart, his heart, his chest... his shoulders, his face, his lip- NONONONONONONONONOO!!!

This was NOT happening! The guy had tormented him for so long for no reason, he was not about to start daydreaming about ki- ew, the thought now felt so wrong it made him gag, and so it should! He is such a twat!

Dan was in his mind whatever he did, whatever the thought was about, it was still about him. But now he had to face him for the first time, he didn't know how to act, did he confront him? Keep quiet? Tell the whole school to spite him? Haha like the last one would ever happen, and no one would believe him anyway. The second one was a good option but would he be able to act the same? The First one was also viable but Phil was terrible at knowing what to say and he didn't know how he would breach the topic, or get Dan alone for that matter ~~(Don't go there, mind!).~~  

He was stuck for ideas and slowly losing it. He had been dreading this day and it came way too quickly.

Maybe he could fake a cold, he felt like shit anyway so what would be so wrong? 

No. He can't let his grades fail because of Dan stupid Howell. This was not fair.

So his first class was English, with Dan, wow, great. After needing a massive self-pep-talk before leaving the house and again when he was outside the classroom, he was a bit late in and everyone was sitting. He looked at the teacher and saw she wasn't paying attention so planned to just sit down quietly. That is before:

"Look who it is! Lester seems to be late, if you carry on like this you'll fail your grades." Dan, Who was slouching back on the desk behind, shouted out just loud enough for the teacher to notice and look up, scowling a little at the usually punctual boy. 

There were plenty of things he could do in this situation.

{"I missed my bus this morning and I had to walk." 

"Oh, ok. It happens to the best of us, sit down please, we hadn't started much anyway."}

{"It's not like I'm usually late like you Howell." He spat. 

"Ooh, Someones getting fiesty! Did you stay up late on your xbox with your gay friends." 

Phil walked over to Dan's desk which caused him to stand. 

"Is that a homophobic comment or is it just you in denial?" 

"The fuck is that meant to mean?" He started raising his voice.

"It means that you secretly fantasise fucking men. Probably me, that would explain your obvious obsession with me."

His eyes widen and he looked so scared.

"But sorry to burst your bubble but I don't date assholes." Phil then walked to his seat and slumped down. Dan stood there for a moment before bursting into actually tears. 

Everyone started laughing, but this time it wasn't at Phil, it was at Dan, some people congratulated Phil, as he watched Dan run out.}

Of course, this is Phil we are talking about. He couldn't think of a good excuse and there is no way the second one would happen for one main reason: The pain in his stomach. He felt so guilty for making Dan cry, and that was only in his imagination!

"S-s-sorry miss, I-It won't h-happen again I, um, I sw-promise." Phil felt the eyes of everyone on the classroom on him, burning holes in the back of his head. Sniggering at his discomfort. 

"Whatever, Philip. Please take a seat and try not to be late again, this can not carry on." 

He was going to assure her that it won't but his mouth wouldn't work so he just nodded frantically and sat in his seat.

So after the morning lessons Phil was waiting in line for school dinners (which he hardly gets because he normally has a lunch) when he feels a tapping at his shoulder. He turned around to see a group of boys who he recognises from his class but not well enough to know their names. They all tower over him and look pretty intimating.

"Hey, Phil, isn't it?" One of them say. Phil just nods in reply.

"Yo dude, well me and my mates are really hungry, I don't suppose we could skip infront of you?" Phil knew it wasn't a question. They may have been sounding friendly but if he answered no he knew that would change. So he just nodded.

"Thanks bro." They shoved him out of the way. 

"Oi, can I go infront of you too?" The girl behind him now asked. He had to nod again.

Next thing he knew he was at the end of the line again and couldn't even see the foor bar. He looked behind him just as some new people walked through the door. 

Dan and his gang. He didn't even bother to ask, he just grabbed Phil's shoulder and pushed him out of the way.

"Early bird catches the worm. The one who sleeps in gets lunch last." He says as he shoves Phil back. 

Once he finally got to the bar there was only the shit stuff left, but by this point he was starving and was gonna get whatever he could. The only seat left was the small table by the bins so that's where he went.

He hadn't been eating long before Dan came up to him again. This time walking up to him so Phil could take a moment to look at him, he looked sad, but not malicious. He sorted out his fringe before looking up, and seeing Phil he smirked that stupid fake smirk again like nothing was wrong (when Phil could see perfectly clearly though his facade that he wasn't as happy as he made out to be, which started the weaving of pity which grew in his chest). He came over with his empty tray which had nothing but a cup on it. He fake tripped and his cup hit Phil in the face before falling into his dinner. The cup was mostly empty apart from the persistent drops of whatever liquid and a few icecubes, which was enough to destoy Phil's apatite into smithereens.

That was it. 

Phil was done. He had given up trying to act strong. Trying to act apathetic in the chances that they would stop. They weren't going to stop. Dan wasn't going to stop. He had had enough. He looked down, letting his slightly wet hair fall infront of his face, clenching his fists. His shoulders twitched. He was fighting tears, he wanted to run but he could see no opening. He wanted to cry but he didn't want to infront of everyone. But Dan was in no way helping.

"Oops. Sorry. I tripped, you ok?" He said sarcastically and went to pat him on the shoulder. Phil flinched away and shot up. The chair screeching across the gross floor, causing everyone to turn their hears.

"No! Why can't you just leave me alone?! What did I ever do to you?! Stop! Just stop! I hate you! Just leave me alone! Why can't you" hiccup "just leave me alone!" He broke down in fits of tears and ran out, barging past everyone to get to the toilets. He fucked up.


	4. A Past Just as Lonely

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk much about Phil's brother, so I changed things to make it convenient for the story, don't think this is what he is like/ whether he is older/younger lol idek
> 
> Meeeh

The toilet floors were anything but clean. As Phil shifted he felt his clothes stick slightly to the gritty surface, however he wasn't complaining. In fact, at this moment Phil felt that this floor, this atmosphere was comforting. He felt alone and able to funtion. He rested his back against the cubical wall and hugged his knees tighter into his chest. The whole place smelt like piss but he wasn't really paying attention to that at the moment.

On Phil's first day of school, pre-school that is, he remembers feeling really nervous. He remembers wanting to go home, and gripping tightly onto his mothers hands to display his feelings just to her. She understood, she always has been able to understand Phil. She told him that he just has to get through today and he'll be fine, make friends but get into no trouble and he will be fine. Even though this isn't quite what 3 year old Phil wanted to hear it did comfort him and that is what he needed to let go of his mothers hand. 

That first day his mother's words stuck in his brain. He tried to make friends, and he made a few, a group of loud kids. They let him play with them and let him tidy everything up as they picked the next toys. They let him sit on the floor next to them if all the chair's had been taken up. They let him share his food out at lunch time because 'That is what friends do'. This went on for a while, about the whole time in preschool but Phil never felt truly included and he didn't know that this wasn't really friendship, not until he moved to primary school, it was his first day and it was a lot different already. A few people from his preschool, a few of his 'friends' moved to the same school and allowed him to stay their 'friend'. At break he noticed a familiar face outside, with 4-year-old-excitement he ran up to his older brother and hugged him. He didn't know that he went to the same school! Apparently talking to your younger brother wasn't cool though, so Martyn ushered Phil away to go play with his friends again, telling him he will see him at home. Phil did just this. He went back and played mums and dads with his 'friends'. Once he got back however, all the roles had been given and he had to sit out. His 'friends' said sorry but laughed as they walked away. Phil sat on a bench and watched contently. 

A few minutes past when he heard his brother's familiar voice again, sitting down next to him on the bench with a few other boys, presumably his friends. 

"Phil? Why aren't you playing too?" His brother queried.

"There isn't anyone I can be." Phil explained but Martyn only frowned. 

"No that's mean! They should include you if they are your friends, do you want me to talk to them?" He offered and Phil nodded.

As Martyn and one of his other friends walked up to the group of young kids, his other friend stayed with him and they talked for a little bit. Phil felt like it was different to the normal conversation he had with his friends but asumed this was what year 2 conversations were like. As his brother walked back he noticed the angry look on his face. He told Phil that he shouldn't hang around with those kids as they weren't his true friends. Phil nodded his head but was still a bit confused. 

At home he heard his older brother talking to his mum about what had happened at break time, and when his mum yelled him though she hugged him and told him that they may have said that they were his friends but they were just using him and bullying him and that he deserved better. 

This experience shattered Phil's confidence. He swore from that day that he would keep himself to himself as to not cause anymore embarrassment. 

And that brings us to now, Phil stuck by his word and stuck to himself, he stuck to his mother's words and stayed out of trouble, which is why he is more ghost then human, well, he was until Dan Howell turned his life upsidedown. 

Most people, if seen running out of a dinning hall in tears, would expect someone to come and comfort them, ask if they were ok, but not Phil, Phil knew he wouldn't have someone care about him, no one did care about him except for his family and they weren't here right now. He was alone but he didn't much care. 

What he did care about was the commotion he caused not too long ago, he successfully made himself into more of a laughing stock and he didn't really know how he could deal with it. He hated this. He hated this so much. 

 

After the two lessons he had left he grabbed his bag and bolted for the door. He was home in record time, no one else was home yet so he carried on to his room and curled himself back into his comfort-cocoon. 

About 5 minutes later he heard the door go and foorsteps up the stairs. It was Martyn, he was usually the first person home so he didn't expect to walk past Phil's room to see a figure roled up in a duvet burrito.

"Phil?" He curiously asked into the darkness of his room. 

Phil groaned in responce. 

"What are you doing home? You don't normally get home for another 10 minutes." He sounded concerned.

This time Phil didn't grace him with a resonce but roled over to face the wall. 

He felt his bed lower at the added weight and a hand pressing down on his comfort-cocoon. 

"Phil you only do this when something is wrong. Please talk to me." He patted down on the spot his hand was, which was about his shoulder upper arm. 

Phil was silent for a moment, cursing himself for having a brother that knows him so well. 

"I-I'm not having the greatest time at school." He said vaguely. 

"Like, academicly or socially?" 

"... socially." 

"Are you getting bullied?"

Martyn took Phil's silence as a yes, then sighed and lay next to his brother on the bed. 

"What happened to the 'Keeping yourself to yourself'?" 

"It seems it didn't work, I tried to ignore it but they won't stop, I haven't eaten much since breakfast." 

"Woah! Phil that sounds serious! They are stopping you from eating?" Martyn sat up again in panic.

"No, not really, som-someone tripped and got water all over my food and I snapped and yelled, and I felt so stupid for crying infront of everyone. Now they are going to see more opportunities to get to me." He explained. It was wierd talking about Dan as 'someone' as he was him main problem but he wasn't about to go into that.

Martyn sighed in relief and laid back down again. "Maybe you should tell a teacher, or mum and dad." He said.

"Martyn it's not really that serious. Really." 

"Yeah right, thats why your here burying yourself in the duvet. Do you want me to talk to someone?" 

If that didn't bring back bad memories when what would? Phil pulled the covers more over his face as he snapped back. "Martyn! I'm not 4 anymore, this isn't something my big brother can fix! Just leave me be! Please!" 

This shut him up. He frowned (Phil couldn't see this, but he senced it) and stood up. 

"Well damn Phil. I was just trying to fucking help, but you know what. Forget it. If you want to mope your ass around and wallow in self pity then be my fucking guest but don't come crying to me." And with that he stormed out.

And Phil cried for the second time today. Not only was he a pathetic excuse for a human being he was also a shoddy brother. Yeah, he deserved that, Martyn was just trying to help. He fucked up for the second time. 

 

"Phil? Darling are you ok?" Phil heard his mum gently say as she pushed open his bedroom door. It had been 2 hours and 17 minutes since his argument... or more scolding from his brother, he had been staring at this alarm clock from his position in his comfort-cocoon (that should be more appropriately named to Self-pity-pod or something, but whatever). 

"Yeah. I'm fine mum." He cursed at himself for opening his mouth because his voice cracked halfway through the sentence to clearly show he was definatly not fine.

"Aw Philly what happened?" She flicked the light on and rushed over, kneeling by the side for his bed and patting the side of his face.

"I just had a bad day at school is all, I'm fine." She wasn't convinced.

"That's not what Martyn told me"

Phil groaned, he told him not to tell anyone. His mum obviously picked up on this.

"I know you told him not to tell anyone but he was worried about you, and too right too! You shouldn't have to put up with bullying Phil. I'm going to tell the head-

"Mum no! Please! I'm fine I really am. It isn't really that bad, it's not really bullying anyway, it doesn't happen often." He lied. He hated attention and this would bring more onto him. 'The boy that snitched to his mummy.' He regretted telling Martyn anything now. 

His mum sighed but stood up none the less. "Alright, it your sure, but if it gets any worse then I will be calling up the school. Anyway, you have been moping in the dark for too long now so you are coming shopping with me ok?" 

Phil sighed in an exaggerated manner, "O-k, if I have to" He smiled up at her and she smiled back down. 

"Right, well get your shoes on and meet me in the car, this is going to be some great mother-son bonding." She joked along.

He didn't know why but he was already feeling better, he really did love his mum sometimes. (well, all the time but you know what I mean).

He quickly changed from his uniform and slid his shoes on before running down the stairs and into the car. Then the two of them headed off. 

The shopping was as fun as grocery shopping could be. But he was talking with his mum and catching up with her as he hasn't been able to in a while, and he was keeping his mind off of today so it was enjoyable to say the least.

That is until his mum told him to get some curry power from isle 13 and he was met with those chocolatey brown eyes and equally as brown fringe that styled similar to his own. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a patterned t-shirt. He was looking at the different powders as if the decision was life and death. Phil wanted to run. He wanted to get out of their like he did at the home. But he couldn't do it. His feet stuck there as he watched the boy almost in fear. That is until said boy turned his head and saw Phil standing there, fists clenched in anger but eyes wide in fear. This time he didn't smirk, he stood their equally as gobsmacked. 

"Philly, darling, could you make sure to get the smart price one? Your dad like that one better." His mum called from the next isle and made Phil flinch at the nickname. Especially as Dan smiled in amusement (notedly different from the usual smirk).

"Philly?" He questioned.

"Shut up." Phil spat, which made them both surprised. They stood in awkward silence for a moment. "Can you just pass me th-the um..." Phil pointed to the curry powders that Dan was standing in front of. 

"This one?" Dan held up a branded tub that his hand was closest to.

"N-no um...th-" 

"Haha I was joking," He put the tub down and picked up the smart price tub, leaning in to hand it to him.

Phil reached over and took it from him as quickly as he could and went to walk away, mumbling a quick 'thanks'.

"Bye Philly." Dan tried.

Phil snapped around to face him again. "Don't call me that." He snapped.

"Your mum calls you that."

"Yeah, well I don't hate my mum." He swung around, not wanting to look at the other's reaction.

The rest of the shopping trip Phil was left uneasy. Not knowing if he would see Dan round any corner. Which he did a couple of times but down an isle they didn't need to go down. 

They ended up behind him in the checkout and Phil found out that he was here alone. Dan noticed him but didn't say anything to him, he just carried on bagging his stuff sorta somberly.

Phil on the other hand was watching him intently, his jeans really looked good on him, tightly fitting around his long legs and shaping his butt nicely, not that he would admit that outloud, his fingernails were sorta dirty but his skin and hair was so well taken care of, which added to his mysterious image. 

Once he had finished bagging the checkout lady told him the amount and he put his card in the card reader. While he was waiting for it to process he looked up at Phil and they held a stare for the longest time without him ruining the moment. He looked at him with sincere eyes and Phil looked back, sort of intimidated. He then left and Phil watched him leave until his mother took him out of his trance by telling him to get to helping her pack. 

Looking at Dan as closely as he did just then... (his face, not his ass)

He was reminded of himself.

Just as Lonely.


	5. Different side of the Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SAD! 
> 
> So I wrote this chapter ages ago but I didn't really like it that much so I left it...
> 
> This morning I looked at it and tweeked a few things and added tunns more detail and I like it a bit more now so here you go xD

"Oh, son, you're home! Would you like some help unpacking?" The boy's father stood at the kitchen door, rubbing his boney hands together.

"No thanks, I'm fine." The boy replied, bairly audible and clearly deflated. He kept his cold stare on the colony of carrier bags placed on the counter infront of him.

"Are you sure? You know I am more then happy to-"

"Dad! I'm fine, ok?" He winced at the snap in his voice but had no intention to apologise. He knew his father meant well but he kept telling him he needed to do this stuff on his own.

"... If your sure-"

"I am."

"... If your sure," he repeated, "I'll be in the living room if you change your mind."

Any other father would have told the boy off for being so disrespectful to them. They would have raised their voice and told their child that there was no need for the attitude. But this wasn't any other father. This was Dan Howell's father and he knew, deep down that he deserved this cold treatment from his son, the guilt residing in the man's brain over took the need to have respect because he knew he hadn't done anything to warrant as such, he was a selfish coward, and cowards aren't to be respected. So he kept his head down as he made his way to the living area.

To be perfectly honest, he was greatful for the forgiving nature of his son. Dan should hate him, despise him, but Dan loves his father all the same. Yes, he can be short to the man, yes, he can make sure to avoid the the other's eye contact but he still loved his father for the selfish coward he was.

He chose to forget all of his mistakes.

However, one thing Dan couldn't forget was what Phil had said to him. 

'I don't hate my mum.'

It made sence for him to say that. Of course it did, Dan was an asshole. However it still hurt like a knife to the throat. 

Dan was filled with hate, he knew how it felt to be ruthlessly bullied by everyone, he knew all too well. 

But he craved it. It was strange, but he felt so great whenever he did something to Phil. To anyone really, but to Phil it felt better. He was in control finally, he was the one to be feared. He gained so much confidence from just wearing cleaner clothes and not having greasy hair, knowing he was equipt with lunch, or money for lunch; it all made him feel invincible, all the stupid things that everyone takes for granted but him.

However recently the bullying hasn't helped, infact he has felt worse... well, he felt like this around the 5th day of coming here but he craved that feeling of authority back, the feeling he got when he first knocked the boy's equiptment off his desk and watched him slip helplessly to the floor to scavenge everything back again, he foolishly thought that if he carried on he would get it back, but he just felt more and more like a wanker until he realised it was too late, everyone was either afraid of him or worshipped him, there was no way he could dig his way out of the hole he had dug. 

Phil didn't deserve the treatment he was giving him. Just like Dan didn't deserve the treatment that was given to him in his past... and he saw that now, when Phil yelled at him today. The tears in his eyes shot like arrows to his chest; shattering his heart into millions of peices and letting it fall to his feet. What hurt more was the commotion of laughted that fell after he left. 

'Was he crying?'   
'How pathetic.'  
'He's such a cry baby!'   
'What a loser.'

They obviously hadn't seen it. The look of loneliness in his eyes. All of his insecurities on display for those who bothered to look, and Dan had looked, he saw how much he had broken the boy. He felt terrible. He was so selfish... maybe it ran in the family.

Those blue eyes of his, once soft and kind and naive, now hard and damaged. He saw that at the shops. When he told him to shut up, told him he hated him. He just wished he had taken other's feelings into consideration before it got to this level. He was just as bad as the bullies he had despised in his old school.

Fighting back tears of his own he focused on putting away the shopping, but then that job finished he then focused on tidying his room. Then focused on doing the washing, washing the dishes, making dinner, setting the table. He did all these things to keep his mind occupied, he had been doing this since he moved in with his dad. He told his father that. He told him he wanted to do jobs around the house, he didn't want to feel as though it was any different then when he was living with his mum. His dad respected that for the most part, but he obviously still didn't understand as he continued to ask to help, but why would he understand? He was never there.

At dinner his thoughts were allowed to race again. The atmosphere was awkward to say the least, but it was always awkward, none of then really knowing what to say, or wanting to say anything at all.

"I don't hate my mum."

His mind wandered to Phil again, the spite in his voice. It was clear he wasn't lying. He hated Dan and Dan hated himself for that. For what he had done to everyone.

It was a strange conversation. Phil seemed so much more confident, Dan realised that he had never heard Phil speak when he wasn't trying to be as quiet, or as small as a mouse. He has a way of making himself as small as possible, maybe in hopes to completely dissappear. That was relatable.

Phil was way more than what he appeared to be on the surface, everyone was, everyone had their secrets, their talents, and Dan wanted to know Phil's. All of them, what made Phil smile, what he was hiding. This sounded strange concidering the way he had treated him, but something clicked in his mind. He realised that Phil was a human being after seeing his teary eyes, he wasn't just a venting post.

Dan rose from the table without saying a word and took the dishes to wash them up. His dad said nothing either, giving up on trying to make conversation. He washed the dishes and his dad went through to the living room, patting his son on the shoulder as he left to show his appreciation.

That night Dan couldn't really sleep much. He felt horrible, his guilt eating away at him making him feel positively sick. How was he supposed to go in the next day? How would he act? What would he say? Does it really matter? Phil already hated him, there was no way he was gonna fix that with how deep he had gotten himself into the whole ordeal. If he started acting nicer then everyone who worshipped him would start treating him like he treated Phil. However selish that may sound he couldn't go back to the way things were.

He stopped trying to sleep after a while, the attempt was futile, so instead he just got out his phone and started scrolling down social media pages, too lazy to actually get his laptop.

Sure enough though, after a while he drifted off, but found he wished he hadn't.

-

He woke up to violent coughing and wheezing. Muffled whimpers soon followed. The boy jumped out of bed and through to the hall. 

"Mum! Mum are you ok?" He rushed to her bedside and sat her up, rubbing her back like he had been trained to do. 

"Danny, go back to bed please I'm-" the frail woman was interrupted by another fit of violent coughing.

"No your not! Did you take your tablets before bed?" His voice was stern and she shook her head. 

"I hate them." She spat stubornly, Dan sighed at this, although this response didn't Surprise him.

"I don't care if you hate them mum! I hate seeing you like this, you have to take them."

She was silent and Dan stood up to get her pills from her bedside table. 

He picked up the packet and counted the remaining pills. She hadn't taken them for a few days. He popped two out of the packet and grabbed the glass of untouched water before stretching his arms out to hand the to her.

She stared at it, not making a move to take it.

"Mum please! I have a test tomorow I need to sleep."

She huffed and reluctantly took the glass and pills.

He stood their and watched her take them, not leaving until he was sure she had swallowed them. It wouldn't be unusual for her to spit them out after he left.

The next morning he got up as early as usual. He did all the housework and got himself ready for school. Just on schedule his mum woke up and he helped her get out of bed and to the sofa in the lounge. 

He went through to the kitchen and grabbed her other set of medication.

"Ok mum, you gonna take this today?" 

"Dan please stop speaking to me like I'm a child, I'm your mother for pete's sake." Dan laughed at this and his mother smiled slightly too.

"Did you have a nice sleep? Other then the mishap mid way through." He sat cross legged across from her on the sofa, getting comfortable because he knew he could be here for a while. 

"Fine." She replied shortly.

"Good, so, are you gonna take this mornings dosage?"

She turned her head to the window.

"Mum..." 

"Why should I have to take it?! It makes me feel worse!" She argued, not yelling as such, but not calmly either.

"Because it keeps you alive! Who's gonna look after me if you die?" Dan reasoned, thinking breifly about his dad, who had left shortly after his mum fell ill, saying he couldn't handle the stress. Leaving his 10 year old son to look after his very ill mother on his own. But that was 6 years ago almost.

His mum didn't say a word.

The two just sat their in silence for a while, Dan showing that he wasn't going to give in. Every morning ended up like this, he wished she wouldn't be this stuborn, then maybe he could shower, his hair was a clear tell-tell that he hadn't in a while.

It was about half an hour when she finally broke, took the medication and sighing.

"Oh, what would I do without you here, eh?" She ruffled his hair and thet both smiled. 

"You'd wonder what amazing person was missing from your life." He joked along. Looking up and pressing his hand to his chest dramatically.

He stood up to leave, already slightly late for school. Before he left however his mum called him through again.

"Dan, please don't hate your dad for leaving, he had every right to." Sometimes Dan wondered if she could read his mind.

"Ok, mum, love you." and he left, not really listening to her. He didn't know if he could ever forgive his dad for leaving. His life had been hell and it was all his fault.

It was later that day that he remembers most vividly. Walking into the livingroom after a horrible day at school, expecting to see his mum watching some daytime TV. 

She was sleeping, she looked peaceful, Dan hadn't seen her sleep like that since he can remember. She looked calm and in no pain, It made him hope deep down that maybe she was getting better. That maybe things could finally go back to normal! His dad could come back and they could have a normal life again... But Dan knew that was stupid. Whatever mum had was terminal, and even if she did get better his dad wouldn't come back. 

He let her sleep for a bit. Not having the heart to wake her when she was sleeping so soundly. He got to making dinner, well, he would have done if there was food in the fridge. He felt bad but he had to wake her anyway.

He went to sit next to her sleeping form on the sofa, gently rubbed her shoulder, but to no avail. He then shook it more violently, calling her name in a slight panic. 

He checked her pulse...

Nothing...

He felt the air leave the room as he started gasping. Panic racing though him. He called 999 with his rushed, trembling hands and they came what felt like hours later and they both went into the ambulance and to the hospital.

"Don't leave me." He chanted as he gripped her hand tightly. But of course she didn't hear him, she had already left.

-

He shot up in bed Tears still wet and sticking to his red face. He hated dreaming, especially as most of his dreams were so realistic that he felt he was re-living it everytime. Over and over.

No more sleep for him it seemed.


End file.
